I Will Wait
by NaniWise
Summary: Original Alma centric fic. angst. Please R n R.


_**(Whast is this? I am not sure but I hope you like it. I own nothing and I hope you enjoy. God bless every one of you.)**_

I think I have come to some understanding, now.

I am stupid. I am a moron. I am an idiot. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm a broken, useless, ugly, pathetic excuse for a human being.

Even through my thick lens of narcissistic selfishness and greed, I can still see this as a clear and permanent fact about myself.

It is seen as clear as crystal now through eyes filled with tears, that I had never been much good for anything.

No, not even once. It's odd to think about it at a moment like this, but I see that now.

You were right, as always. Everything you said about me, every sharp word that clipped away the blooming buds in my heart, was nothing short of light shed upon the truest of truths. You are always so intelligent, so cunning when it comes to life and the way it worked in cruel treachery, unlike a hideous imbecile like myself.

You.

You beautiful, wonderful, awe inspiring child made from a million dreams.

This world was never worthy of someone like you.

Perhaps that's why I came to love you so.

Perhaps that is the exact reason I lost so much to you; My heart, my soul, my mind, my body, my everything.

Perhaps that's why every waking moment was torment to me.

Every breath was like swallowing a thousand needles because of my own inadequacy, because of my own idiocy, because of my own inability to give you what you wanted, what you needed, what you deserved.

No, it was not inability. It was simply my own selfishness, my own laziness, my own mistake. You, yes someone as amazing and incredible as you looked to me for what this world calls real and irreplaceable, you put your own happiness in my hands and I crushed it to pieces, I failed you.

I am sorry.

Is that what you wanted to hear? Does it matter what I say? Has it ever mattered?

Of course not.

Do you hate me?

I would understand it if you did. I wonder if there is anything I've ever done that was good, even when we were children. Was I so evil in my core then, as well? Of course I was, it is in my very being.

When the world broke me, took my pathetic frame and tore me apart, I thought you might pick up the pieces and put me back together, but instead you kept the pieces and left me broken and bleeding.

Perhaps I hated you for this once, but now I see it was worthy payment for your troubles, just a loan for you to put up with me for a bit longer.

You just took what was yours to begin with. You just took what I would have gladly given. It was always in your possession, all of me had always belonged to you since the beginning, for you to do with as you chose.

Only my life remained of me. All I did was give you the rest; The last piece for you to complete the puzzle.

It doesn't matter now, but I think it would have been better if you had taken control of this earthly body, seizing it from my sinful weak hands and perhaps used it for a better purpose.

It would have been better, yes, but you at least cannot say that I didn't give it my all.

I know it was evil in me because of what became of us, but all I can say was that I truly did my best to love you. All my love, though seemingly unending like the oceans just beyond the northern shores, only led me, led you, led us to the horrendous battlefield, attacked at all fronts, hated even by nature itself.

We might as well of never had a map. I might as well have never lived to see the light of day if this was all the cruel and bitter revelation would bring.

But alas, I am an idiot. I knew no better, I did not want to know better.

Blindness was desired because nothing made me happier than to be by your side.

Through all my mistakes and all my faults in this journey, know that I just wanted you to be happy because, in the end, your joy was my water, your laughter my food, your every smile what drove me to live another day.

I know I am an idiot, I am a moron, I am all the terrible things you said and more but this feeling is all I know.

I love you. I don't know how else to say it, how to portray how I feel with these feeble human phrases and hollow syllables, but it is nothing short of the truth.

You are my dream, my nightmare, my world, my everything, and nothing less. Knowing, seeing, hearing, loving you was just about the only thing I had ever done right.

That's why it doesn't hurt.

It hardly hurts at all.

I don't even feel it.

All my mind knows are your arms around me, embracing me and holding me tightly to your chest, our twin heartbeats synchronized in this moment, beating like the mighty drum and the stamp of an invading army.

You scream my name. I don't hear it. I feel it in my heart that you call out to me.

You call for me over and over much in the same way I used to call for you, even when I knew you could not heat me. Do you hear me now? Is this just the delayed reaction because of the distance between us? Did you come running when you heard?

All these questions swarm my mind, but I don't answer the calls. I hardly have the strength the speak.

All I can possibly do is get lost in the ecstasy of your presence so close to mine.

I wonder if you will be okay, that the world will still reap its finest crops to you even when I am not there to make certain it does, but then I remember all that I have done to you and then I am reassured in my heart that you will be better off, that I was nothing more than a chain around your neck holding you down.

Freedom will be yours to claim when I am no longer by your side, so why do you call my name so desperately? Why do you curse me even now when this is my blessed destiny, my lot in life to free you from the useless and broken tool I was? Did I do you wrong again? Or did I alas do you, my beloved one, right?

Thinking back, I wonder if you will miss me. Even if you are only momentarily aware of the hole left in my passing, the ghost of a presence I leave behind upon your precious kingdom, I will be content but if you are drug down by it, I will be truly grieved. It would be better if you forgot I ever existed than for you to feel sorrow. You've already lost so much to this cruel world that holds you of such little value.

And I know that this world that hates you so very much will judge me for taking on such a grievous injury in your place, but frankly I don't care what the world thinks of you, of us, for you were everything to me.

Even if this present world falls away, please always bare in mind that no matter what you did, be it this body or my heart that bled, I treasured you above all else.

So please my darling, don't cry, don't weep for someone as insignificant as myself for your hand in mine was all I desired.

You were an angel and I was nothing more than a sickly dog. Though the same in so many ways, you were destined for far greater things. Don't parry a moment longer to dwell upon earth dwelling scum like me and fly to the heavens. It is what you were meant for.

As my world is consumed by darkness and your voice grows more distant as a passing breeze flees to the distant corners, please know what I now see to be the clearest of facts.

I am stupid, you are beautiful.

I am terrible, you are wonderful.

Even if we are forgotten in the passing of the ages, know that I loved, love and will always love.

I love you. Perhaps that is all I have ever had to say, but surely it is enough.

So please, call for me again.

Call for me so that the echoes of your voice may accompany me to rest.

Then, and maybe only then will you perhaps find me one day, wherever I slumber and you'll take me up in your arms yet again, just like this moment.

I'll wait for you, my love.

Come find me when you are ready.

I'll wait forever if I must.

I'll wait.


End file.
